Friendships Survey

 

On sunday I was invited to a cookie exchange hosted by someone I met at a recent church event. I had an opportunity to hang out with a group of girls with different backgrounds & personalities.  I left excited because I am always looking for more friends. On my drive home I thought about my current friends and how I will juggle time between them. I felt a sense of sadness and guilt because I don’t spend time with most of them like I should. Then I thought about why? I started to mentally break down the reasons I avoid some of them.  I started to think about which ones I value and why? I mentally started to put all my so called friends into categories. I had friends I call for everything, friends I call to go shopping, friends I talk to on Facebook, friends I talk to about religion, friends I go to for advice. I think by the end I ended up with 8 categories. This left me even more conflicted, so I called my cousin. I asked him if he had categories for his friendships and if he ever felt guilty for leaving some behind. He told me that he struggled with the guilt of letting old friends go because how strong their past bonds were. I felt this before, I always hear “You never leave your old friends for new friends”. Ok good advice so instead I just kept them all! My cousin ended the conversation talking about Ronald McDonald and how he dropped all his friends. Now you only see Ronald McDonald  alone yet the company is bigger than ever.

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Research

Today I woke up curious about what other people thought. I went Facebook and asked 12 of my 150 friends these questions.

1. What is your definition of friendship?

2. Do you have your friends in categories/labels? What are the categories/labels?

3. If so why?

I was surprised by what I saw; I wasn’t the only one that had a 100 kinds of friends. 9 out of the 12 told me they had over 5 categories. Some of the categories I got

1. Friends I call for advice (Don’t call for anything else)                                  

2. Friends I travel with (don’t talk about anything important on travels)                                      

3. My wild I want to have a good time friends (aka the friends I only drink with)

Some had friends for different interests, others talked about reliability.

The different definition of friendship I got were

1. One person said “who I call a friend depends on my mood”.

2. A friend is someone I hang out with.

3. A friends is someone I have an interest in common with. I have so many because I have so many interests.

*The other 3 said they only had friends and people they know. I asked them what their definition of what a friend was. All three responded with similar answers

1. Someone I can count on to support me. I can talk to them about everything

2. Someone who is there for everything, someone I can be myself with.

3. Someone who is there for me, is a positive influence and encourages me

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This all really opened my eyes to what people think about friendships. It made me ask the question, why do we need so many categories?

I went back to my own definition of friendship. My answer also started off as someone who I hang out with. Midway through my survey it occurred to me that my definition of friendships was very blurry and loose. Can I really say that someone I only call to go shopping with is a friend? I thought about those friends I have had forever. I often feel guilty letting them go, which is why I let my definition of friendship become so loose. If I was to be honest with myself these old “friends” have served their purpose. I went back to the girls I value and my reasons why. These girls don’t all share my likes; some are of a different race and background. Most of them I rarely see but I talk to daily or weekly. I used this to formulate my new definition of what I consider a friend. By my new definition of friendship I now only have one category. You are either a friend or not.

 

 

What I learned

I think that we need to reexamine our definition of friendships and our bonds with others. If we did we would feel liberated from the shackles of dead friendships. Redefining my friends gives new value to the friends I really have. I now have a clear picture of who my friends are and why they are so special. From now on I will be more careful how I use the word friend.

What is your definition of friendship?

 

“When you choose your friends, don't be short-changed by choosing personality over character.”
―W. Somerset Maugham

The Event

 

 

In my post yesterday I said I was going to make a serious effort to make friends and to be active in the community. Today was day 1! My church has a group for young adults that meets the second friday of each month called the EVENT. The promise of good food, fun and music is always tempting. I have been wanting to go but due to a forgetful mind I never made it.This time I set my computer and phone schedules to remind me.

 

OFF TO A BAD START

I go to a very big church that has two big buildings on the main location. I was running late and assumed that we would meet at the main church building where service is held. I ran in and saw a crowd of people in a room with the lights dim. I walked in the room and noticed a few kids and older folks. I thought  maybe since it was a Christmas event everyone was invited; I took a seat. After a minute of hearing a testimony I looked around and saw the signs for the recovery group. OK…Wrong place

At that very moment they announced they were going to recite their vow. I thought it was a good idea to leave unnoticed at that point. I thought about going home and say that I at least tried. However, I decided to drive to the other building instead and try my luck. Thank goodness I finally found the right place.

Good times and “after Party”

It was a little uncomfortable at first when I walked in. Most people seemed to be in small groups around the room. I sat at a table with another guy that was there for the first time. A few minutes later a member from a male group asked the guy sitting with me to sit with them. I thought “great now its just me” thankfully that wasn’t for long. I was invited to sit with a group of girls that were all very nice. Through the next couple hours we played different games that came with prizes.

Highlight of my night- As groups we had six minutes to make a ginger bread house

                                                         Our Masterpiece

 

When the event at the church ended a group of us went to the “After Party” at Chili’s. Not your typical after party though, instead of liquor and beer we had coffee, water or tea. There were a lot of awesome conversations, good laughs and yes some random awkward moments. In all I had a GREAT night, I will definitely be going back!

The Search for Community

 

I moved back home over a year ago and have since been in a small bubble. My circle consist of two high school friends and my immediate family. I have lots of friends all around the world but obviously because of the distance I don’t see them often. A typical day would consist of me talking to them on the phone, Skype and Facebook. The problem is there are days when I want to get out the house and try a new activity. Most of the time I have no one to go with me. That’s when I say to myself “I need to find local friends”

 

I have avoided finding new friends for several reasons….

1.To be honest I didn’t want to put in the effort.

2. Don’t know where to start looking for friends(Do I really need to do a craigslist add)

3. The awkward introductions(Hi I’m blah blah… awkward silence)

4.(related to 3) Having to say my story over and over again

5. I’m kind of lazy online takes no effort

After a year of sitting at home bored I finally decided I’m going to do something about it.

I have signed up for

•  http://www.meetup.com/ 
• https://www.eventbrite.com/
• My church young adult group

My church has a young adult group that meets once a month called the Event. Tomorrow will be my first time going, Wish me luck!