On sunday I was invited to a cookie exchange hosted by someone I met at a recent church event. I had an opportunity to hang out with a group of girls with different backgrounds & personalities. I left excited because I am always looking for more friends. On my drive home I thought about my current friends and how I will juggle time between them. I felt a sense of sadness and guilt because I don’t spend time with most of them like I should. Then I thought about why? I started to mentally break down the reasons I avoid some of them. I started to think about which ones I value and why? I mentally started to put all my so called friends into categories. I had friends I call for everything, friends I call to go shopping, friends I talk to on Facebook, friends I talk to about religion, friends I go to for advice. I think by the end I ended up with 8 categories. This left me even more conflicted, so I called my cousin. I asked him if he had categories for his friendships and if he ever felt guilty for leaving some behind. He told me that he struggled with the guilt of letting old friends go because how strong their past bonds were. I felt this before, I always hear “You never leave your old friends for new friends”. Ok good advice so instead I just kept them all! My cousin ended the conversation talking about Ronald McDonald and how he dropped all his friends. Now you only see Ronald McDonald alone yet the company is bigger than ever.
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Research
Today I woke up curious about what other people thought. I went Facebook and asked 12 of my 150 friends these questions.
1. What is your definition of friendship?
2. Do you have your friends in categories/labels? What are the categories/labels?
3. If so why?
I was surprised by what I saw; I wasn’t the only one that had a 100 kinds of friends. 9 out of the 12 told me they had over 5 categories. Some of the categories I got
1. Friends I call for advice (Don’t call for anything else)
2. Friends I travel with (don’t talk about anything important on travels)
3. My wild I want to have a good time friends (aka the friends I only drink with)
Some had friends for different interests, others talked about reliability.
The different definition of friendship I got were
1. One person said “who I call a friend depends on my mood”.
2. A friend is someone I hang out with.
3. A friends is someone I have an interest in common with. I have so many because I have so many interests.
*The other 3 said they only had friends and people they know. I asked them what their definition of what a friend was. All three responded with similar answers
1. Someone I can count on to support me. I can talk to them about everything
2. Someone who is there for everything, someone I can be myself with.
3. Someone who is there for me, is a positive influence and encourages me
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This all really opened my eyes to what people think about friendships. It made me ask the question, why do we need so many categories?
I went back to my own definition of friendship. My answer also started off as someone who I hang out with. Midway through my survey it occurred to me that my definition of friendships was very blurry and loose. Can I really say that someone I only call to go shopping with is a friend? I thought about those friends I have had forever. I often feel guilty letting them go, which is why I let my definition of friendship become so loose. If I was to be honest with myself these old “friends” have served their purpose. I went back to the girls I value and my reasons why. These girls don’t all share my likes; some are of a different race and background. Most of them I rarely see but I talk to daily or weekly. I used this to formulate my new definition of what I consider a friend. By my new definition of friendship I now only have one category. You are either a friend or not.
What I learned
I think that we need to reexamine our definition of friendships and our bonds with others. If we did we would feel liberated from the shackles of dead friendships. Redefining my friends gives new value to the friends I really have. I now have a clear picture of who my friends are and why they are so special. From now on I will be more careful how I use the word friend.
What is your definition of friendship?
“When you choose your friends, don't be short-changed by choosing personality over character.”
―W. Somerset Maugham
Very insightful
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteI also sometimes struggle with "friendships". It is sometimes necessary to take a step back and think about the friendships around us.
ReplyDeleteYes I agree! thank you for your comment.
DeleteWe're dynamic individuals who are always changing and growing. Some friendships can last decades, some only a couple of days. It's very interesting when you think about it!
ReplyDeleteI think I have the greatest friends. I don't feel judged by any of them, and I never wonder if someone is whispering behind my back. I truly feel loved and supported, even when I'm being an idiot or rather unlovable. I'm very blessed!
I think that those are what friends are supposed to be “If you have two friends in your lifetime, you're lucky. If you have one good friend, you're more than lucky.”
Delete― S.E. Hinton
Friendship is something I've mulled over a lot in 2013. I have very few people I consider my true friends. These are the ones with whom I can share who I really am. The rest are all people that I know. I consider them "friendly", and we chat whenever we're together or on Facebook or whatever, but I don't share stuff with them like I do my true friends.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you have true friends that you can go to share things that are important. After I did this survey it surprised me how many people have tons of "friendly" people but no true friends. Thanks for the comment!
DeleteGreat post! It's amazing when you stop and take a look and reevaluate your friendships. Found you from the climb link up. I'm following you through different places. Thank you for letting me know others come to the same junctures from time to time with friendships.
ReplyDeleteThank you Debbie, I have read some of your post and have followed you as well!
ReplyDeleteWhat an interesting reflection on friendship. You're right we often place people in different categories simply because we are hesitant on letting them go completely. Yet in all honestly when you need to shuffle someone from one category to another most times they have already left in most ways that matter.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading!
DeleteI really enjoyed reading this post! I have pinned it to my "education" board on Pinterest. I think teachers could do a lot with these friendship questions and categories.
ReplyDeleteI think it is a good conversation parents can have with their kids too. My parents sat down and talked to me a lot about finding a good mate but never really talked about what it means to be a good friend. I guess it is just assumed that everyone knows but obviously a lot of us have a different definition.
DeleteThat's a very interesting post. I've never thought of friends like that. I think of friends as people I hang out with, and like hanging out with, whether it's in real life or online, and people I have things in common with.
ReplyDelete